In Which I Suffer Injections and the Humiliation of Being Rejected by a Homeless Man

This week has been pretty full of shots and needles, and I'm pretty done. 29 shots of Botox into my head and shoulders on Monday, then 8 steroid shots in my back and a blood draw today. Not that I'm complaining, I'm so glad that I have these medicines and therapies availble to me--they really do help me feel better!!

But, you know? Ouch. That was all quite painful. 

Also, I tried to give a pan-handling homeless man my Happy Meal today, but he didn't want it. That was odd, depressing, and slightly humiliating all at the same time. Like, "oh, okay. I'll just be over here, eating my white trash food. The stuff that apparently is so awful homeless people would rather starve than eat it." I mean, what the heck kind of food snob was he? It was a Happy Meal! I wasn't throwing around Quarter Pounders with cheese and other artery-cloggers on a bun. There are apple slices in there!

Anyways.

So now I'm going to jump into bed early with a box of highly caloric Girl Scout cookies and watch Dr. Who.

Yeah, that's right. I'm following up a Happy Meal with Tag-A-Longs. What now, old man? WHAT NOW?!

Birds Invading My House

So, that's twice now a bird has flown into my house and gotten itself stuck. 

So am I secretly a Disney princess? Or are there just really dumb birds occupying my neighborhood?

Thoughts on the Fictional Bipolar Character Theodore Finch and his Resulting Actions

So. I have deep thoughts to share. Because of book, which, hey, is one of the main purposes of books: to make you think and talk about the things you think about. So here I go. Saying the things I think because of this book.

This book:

All the Bright Places

by Jennifer Niven

The Publisher says:
"The Fault in Our Stars meets Eleanor and Park in this exhilarating and heart-wrenching love story about a girl who learns to live from a boy who intends to die.
Soon to be a major motion picture starring Elle Fanning!---(WHAT?! THIS WILL MAKE AN AWFUL, HORRIBLE MOVIE, THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA, PEOPLE, YOU SHOULD REALLY RETHINK THIS)
 
Theodore Finch is fascinated by death, and he constantly thinks of ways he might kill himself. But each time, something good, no matter how small, stops him.
 
Violet Markey lives for the future, counting the days until graduation, when she can escape her Indiana town and her aching grief in the wake of her sister’s recent death."

(Basically, Finch and Violet become friends and do a school project together where they have to explore their state and they go to all these random, awesome places in Indiana and learn how to live and are happy and fall in love and it's good.)

My Thoughts:
Well. This book. This book, this book, this book.

This one really got me. Meaning it both really shocked and upset me, and it also got the real essence of my life, my mind, my past experiences with mental health issues.

Typically, I say that those with mental health issues shouldn't read books about characters struggling with mental health issues. It just screws you up. Even if you're doing perfect in your life, the struggle of the characters really brings you back to low times and it can be really emotional and simply tough to go through. But, you know, I saw the cover, and I thought it would be more about getting over grief and learning to live and happiness and sunshine, and, well ALL THE BRIGHT PLACES in life.

But no. No, no. Finch is bipolar. He has manic depression. And I was mystified and so full of awe at how the author was able to perfectly portray the feeling of OTHERNESS and restlessness that comes with being bipolar. It was like seeing my teenage self come to life on the pages, the risk taking, and the searching for and obsessing over mysterious concepts that don't quite make sense, the feeling that there is some OTHERNESS to you. That you have to run, you have to go, you have to DO SOMETHING. Regular existence is simply not enough. You have to search for more. 

I desperately want to know if Jennifer Niven has manic depression herself, because it was so spot on. I was completely enthralled by the accuracy, and it was pretty scary. I mean, I was Finch as a teenager. Only I was Finch on the inside, and was secretive, and I hid it a lot better. But I eventually got help. And I'm NOT Finch anymore. I still have depression and anxiety and all the normal issues of life, but I don't have that crazy OTHERNESS driving me anymore. And I haven't thought in a while just how horrible it was to be ruled by it, and how grateful I am now that I'm okay, that I can go through a day and feel satisfied with my existence. That the restlessness is gone.

Sorry, I'm rambling. But I want you to know how affected I was by Finch and his character.

And then he committed suicide.

I broke.

Because that could have been me. I was Finch, and I had that choice of stick it out or end it myself, and I CHOSE TO KEEP GOING. 

But Finch didn't. And it really shocked me. I suppose I really had faith in him and thought he was going to tough it out. I thought his "attempts" were the OTHERNESS wanting to do things no one else does, be on the edge, feel the feeling of ALMOST. Because that's how the book opened-- Finch was on the bell tower, and I was convinced that he wasn't actually going to do it (he meets Violet then, and helps her through a panic attack). But then again, I guess I'm an awful judge of other's suicidal choices. I don't know, it's just a sort of emotional electrocution when a character that you've identified with, a character you've decided represents the teenage you KILLS HIMSELF.

So as I finished the book last night, I used up a box of tissues as I reflected. I guess I was so upset because I was remembering how awful it was. Because Jennifer Niven was able to describe what I felt to a T, which means that other people feel the same way-- that not only I experience this. Because nobody should have to go through this. If you can't trust your mind, the world is the loneliest place. Because this happens, in real life. Because people do feel like there is no other option but to end it all, and they do. Because people get left behind, wondering what they could have done. Because they COULD have done more. Because of the stigma mental health has. Because people don't want to be labeled. Because there ARE things and people out there that COULD help, but they aren't taken advantage of. Because we don't have ENOUGH resources to help teens and (and adults) with depression and mental health issues and people suffer because of it. Because people are killing themselves, and that's just not right.

So. The book was good. It was a good description of what it's like to be bipolar. The plot was alright. The characters were decent. The emotional level was intense. But the ending helped pull things together emotionally (so I was able to pull myself together and stop bawling into the side of my cat). But it brings up a real life question: there are kids out there who are thinking about killing themselves. Who are you to them? Are you a peer egging them on? Are you a teacher not paying any attention? Are you a family member refusing to see the signs? Or are you a friend who tries to do something? Are you someone who sees the signs? If so, don't just wait to see if it gets better. You may not have any time left to wait. Say something. Show them how much you love them. Show them how important they are to the world. Just be there for them. Ask them questions, let them talk. You just may save a life.

Now Accepting Alternate Methods of Payment

"Hi, Ma'am, would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?"

"Would I?! YES. Give me 2 Thin Mints, and a Tag-A-Longs, ooh, and a box of coconut ones. How much is that?"

"Only two years of tuition at a private out-of-state college!"

"Whoa. That sure went up."

"We're also accepting blood contracts for the eternal servitude of souls this year, too."

"Nah, I can't, I already sold my soul to Nutella. How about my firstborn? Would you take that?"

"Yeah, that should work. We'll give you 10 boxes."

"Sweet!! Best deal ever!!"